Open Project Cat de Miranda

The Fight

Reflection: The Fight 

People always tell me “don’t beat yourself up about this” and I usually don’t take their advice. The Fight is an illustration of what I feel goes on in my head. This past semester I have had a very low self esteem which is unlike me but for some reason, I can not seem to be happy with myself. I usually feel really good about myself but I have gained more weight and I feel like no matter what I do I can not lose weight. This fuels the internal conflict I have with myself. I feel like there are two sides of me, one that hates everything about herself and one that loves herself. As of this moment I feel completely taken over by the bad side. 

I used colors that I feel represent my personality because pink is a big part of my life. I made the sadder version of myself blue because blue typically represents sadness. I did not add a background because it is representative of the void I see in my head when I imagine myself fighting another me. The knives are still in their holsters to represent that I am not at my rock bottom because if I was the piece would probably be more violent. It’s not that I am a violent person but my thoughts in my head toward myself sometimes can be. I like to read a lot of comic books and always wish I could illustrate something like what I see in the comics. I haven’t tried to draw like this on photoshop before and I struggled quite a bit especially with my tablet. I want to continue to make digital illustrations but I prefer to work on an I-pad with procreate because I find it easier to draw. 

I wanted to make a self portrait of myself fighting another me to show how I treat myself in my head. I keep spending entire days in bed just sleeping and watching TV because I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I feel really sad about my weight and looks which was something I never cared that much about. I was hoping that making a piece that depicts what I see in my head would show me that I need to treat myself better. I am trying to learn new ways to not beat myself up about things but it is still hard to keep a high self esteem when you have mental illness.